Thursday, March 5, 2015

Unfailing Love

Hello friends! I wrote this post a few weeks back and have been hesitant to post it for reasons I am  unsure of. But late last night I felt a tug at my heart to revisit it and so I took a second twentieth look at it and decided it was time to share ! Something I have been struggling with recently is my identity and knowing what I am supposed to do in life. A year ago I really took the leap and dove head first into a deeper relationship with God and although it has been the most amazing thing in the world to experience God's love firsthand, it has also been the hardest year of my life.



A priest came to speak at my church last February about knowing God's will and it really hit home with me. I wanted to follow God's will but I didn't know what that meant. As time went on and I tried to figure out what God's will was for myself I actually began to drift further away from God rather than grow closer to Him like one would expect.

Suddenly it became all about the rules and standards to me. It felt like everyone around me was so intense in their religion and how they decided to live their lives and truthfully that started to overwhelm me. I have heard so many people talking about hearing God and knowing what He wants but I wasn't getting that. I have felt like I wanted to pull back on going to church and participating in groups that were all about God because it was making me feel  like I was not enough.

Since I have deepened my walk with God this has been a constant struggle for me. Comparison. Doubt. Guilt. I started feeling all of these things in my everyday life and they have suffocated me. I no longer had a real desire to have a personal relationship with God because it just felt like no matter what I did I was failing Him. And I was disobeying Him. And I was not following His will (whatever that meant).

Over the past several weeks I have really been struggling with what that means. I have prayed constantly about it. I have talked with several family members and friends about it. I do feel that I have "the answer" but at the same time I don't. Because I don't even know what that means. I certainly don't hear God's voice saying do this or do that so how could I possibly follow His will for me.

The problem became that I thought God's will meant it had to be different then my will. I have this crippling fear that His will for my life involves nothing that I really wanted because how could it, that would just be selfish of me! Then I began to realize that God's love will always remain the same for us. Meaning, tomorrow I could literally go out and steal and still His love for me would be the same. I'm just starting to understand again that all God truly wants is for us to want to know Him and have a relationship with Him. And I do want that. Even better, I can and want to accomplish the dreams and goals I have in life and still have a relationship with The Lord. I think that is what God's will is. He wants us to want Him and when I do that I am living God's will.


12 comments:

  1. Kendall, I really enjoy reading your posts. Your Christianity shines through in your writings and you show maturity way beyond your years. I'm glad you decided to post this one. I'm sure God supports your dreams and goals. Mom & dad (Kathy & Greg) have done a marvelous job of your upbringing. I know they are so proud of the woman you are becoming.

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    1. Wow- thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate your support and kind words, they truly mean so much to me! I definitely debated posting this one but I am glad I wen through with it.

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  2. God is a good and loving God and His will for us is always perfect! I love that you're learning that His will doesn't mean you have to deny everything you want. Often you want something because God wants it for you too. <3

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    1. Exactly! Guilt and fear have definitely held me back from pursuing my dream but you are so right about wanting things because God wants it for you too. I am still learning and battling with this concept but it is a process.

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  3. Kendall, thank you so much for posting this. I have been down this road before, especially the one of not feeling like I was good enough and that I could do nothing right. I have to remind myself that God loves me and that His grace is enough. The struggle may never fully go away, but as long as we know God is on our side, then we can hold strong in that. :)

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    1. You're welcome! I really debated it but I knew that I am not the only one who struggles with this and I felt that I needed to share this and let others know that we're not alone.

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  4. Doubt and comparison have been apart of my walk for a long time, and yet His love remains steadfast for me. I am doing the She Reads Truth 365 study, and reading through the bible and the 2 words that have really stuck out for me so far are steadfast love. They are written over and over. remember His love for you is steadfast!

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  5. You have a kind heart. Remember that when we delight in the Lord, He gives us the desires of our heart. When we delight in Him, His desires become ours too. Congratulations on your courageous heart and posting this blog. You are already doing a great job, by loving God with all your heart! I hope you can become friends.

    belovedgems.org

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  6. I hate it when people portray God's will as this strict, unyielding, boring plan where nothing exciting can ever happen. He gave each of us a set of strengths, talents, and passions. It is his will that we use those talents to further His kingdom and to love others.

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  7. Doubt and comparison are SO hard for me. What a lovely reminder!

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  8. Kendalllll! hey gurl hey! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. But can I just say that feeling that you're not enough is a LIE FROM THE ENEMY! Gurl you are soooooo enough. Jesus died for YOU. Thats how enough you are. Keep abiding, reading your Bible, fellowshipping and praying about all of this! You are so loved like w0w.

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  9. I pastor a church in San Jose, CA.
    https://thepoint.church
    I recently read your blog and the book and got a lot out of it. This is exactly what people need help with. I used some of your material in a sermon.
    https://thepoint.church/sermons/i-want-to-believe-but-i-dont-feel-god-is-near/
    Please keep up the good work.

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