Thursday, March 5, 2015

Unfailing Love

Hello friends! I wrote this post a few weeks back and have been hesitant to post it for reasons I am  unsure of. But late last night I felt a tug at my heart to revisit it and so I took a second twentieth look at it and decided it was time to share ! Something I have been struggling with recently is my identity and knowing what I am supposed to do in life. A year ago I really took the leap and dove head first into a deeper relationship with God and although it has been the most amazing thing in the world to experience God's love firsthand, it has also been the hardest year of my life.

A priest came to speak at my church last February about knowing God's will and it really hit home with me. I wanted to follow God's will but I didn't know what that meant. As time went on and I tried to figure out what God's will was for myself I actually began to drift further away from God rather than grow closer to Him like one would expect.

Suddenly it became all about the rules and standards to me. It felt like everyone around me was so intense in their religion and how they decided to live their lives and truthfully that started to overwhelm me. I have heard so many people talking about hearing God and knowing what He wants but I wasn't getting that. I have felt like I wanted to pull back on going to church and participating in groups that were all about God because it was making me feel  like I was not enough.

Since I have deepened my walk with God this has been a constant struggle for me. Comparison. Doubt. Guilt. I started feeling all of these things in my everyday life and they have suffocated me. I no longer had a real desire to have a personal relationship with God because it just felt like no matter what I did I was failing Him. And I was disobeying Him. And I was not following His will (whatever that meant).

Over the past several weeks I have really been struggling with what that means. I have prayed constantly about it. I have talked with several family members and friends about it. I do feel that I have "the answer" but at the same time I don't. Because I don't even know what that means. I certainly don't hear God's voice saying do this or do that so how could I possibly follow His will for me.

The problem became that I thought God's will meant it had to be different then my will. I have this crippling fear that His will for my life involves nothing that I really wanted because how could it, that would just be selfish of me! Then I began to realize that God's love will always remain the same for us. Meaning, tomorrow I could literally go out and steal and still His love for me would be the same. I'm just starting to understand again that all God truly wants is for us to want to know Him and have a relationship with Him. And I do want that. Even better, I can and want to accomplish the dreams and goals I have in life and still have a relationship with The Lord. I think that is what God's will is. He wants us to want Him and when I do that I am living God's will.