Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Holding on to Hope
Last year when I joined Phi Lamb my relationship with God grew like it never had before. I took so many steps in my faith in such a short period of time and it was truly life changing.
Since the new semester I have gotten super frustrated with myself because I feel like I haven't progressed any more in my faith. It has left me feeling super guilty and torn down. I have been filled with so much anxiety and as I watch people around me who are venturing off into different directions (such as mission trips, missionaries) and while those are awesome directions... they're just not me. I've battled with feeling like I am supposed to want to do those same things. But the truth is, I don't want to at all. And if I don't does that make me a bad Christian? Does that mean I am disobeying God?
After many great talks with my mom and wonderful friends I have come to the conclusion that no it does not. And while that may seem like an obvious answer to people, when you're in that place of doubt and being ashamed you just don't see everything quite so clearly.
I am here to say if anyone out there feels the way I do, know you're not alone. Life is a journey and you will never stop growing and God knows this. There is not a switch that we can turn to change ourselves automatically. Your relationship with God is just that, your relationship. And everyone's is going to be different. Slowly I have started believing in myself and the purposes I have on this earth. Because I do have a purpose, just like you, and more than likely our purposes will not be the same. And that is okay.
In fact, I think you will always be trying to get to where you want to be, but you'll never achieve it until you're face to face with The Lord. I feel I am pretty honest with people about who I am and what my life is like. I have never been good at pretending my life is going great when it's not. I am the person who always envies everyone else because whether it's true or not, they look like they have their life together. But they don't. No body does. We are humans who make mistakes every single day and no matter how hard we try not one single person on this earth will ever reach perfection. This may just be me, but that gives me so much hope. Hope that I'm am doing what God has planned for me. Hope that I am taking steps in my faith, no matter how small they may be. And hope that though I am human and may struggle with my faith, God loves me the same.